With joy, I write to you as a new full-time member of our community! As such, I would like to share a little about the journey that brought me here. As a youth growing up in small-town Ontario, Canada, I didn’t want to be like the manicured people I saw in magazines and movies. Punk rock, art and anti-capitalist peers were my refuges, in a world saturated with advertisements to buy more and “be” more.
In 2014 I was working two jobs. The stress led me to begin meditating which helped for a while… until the practice faded. A year later, having moved to New Zealand, Matthew, my partner-to-be, told me about ten-day silent Vipassana retreats he had been to. Ten days in silence? Sign me up!
During that first retreat the teacher, S.N. Goenka, referred to bhikkhus and bhikkhunīs practicing in the Buddha’s time, who lived in forests and walked to villages for alms. I fantasised about doing that myself in modern-day Wellington. Wouldn’t bhikkhunī life be the ultimate rebellion from capitalism?! However, as I’d just moved in with Matthew, the idea faded into the background; instead I tried to meditate daily and found my sila (virtue) gradually improving.
I felt drawn to spending more time practicing and serving at the meditation centres. I naturally lost interest in engaging with anything not directly related to Dhamma and in 2021, found a new refuge in spiritual friends. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for this human life and the opportunity to practice. Later that year I was on a long retreat when New Zealand went into lockdown. Abruptly we had to leave. I was distraught, but it later proved a blessing in disguise. A friend who was at the retreat centre introduced me to a talk by a kind and compassionate bhikkhunī called…Venerable Candā. It totally changed my practice. What?! I can be kind and gentle with the breath?
I was so inspired to know that in the present-day there was a bhikkhunī sharing Dhamma in a way that was aligned with the early Buddhist teachings. In that talk Ven. Candā said something like, “Who knows? Maybe someone hearing this could be inspired to go forth.” You have no idea, I thought! Seeing Ven. Candā showed me that it could be possible for me to go forth. I joked with a friend that I might have to go to Oxford and ordain with her! (See the screenshot opposite ;-))
Shortly after, the thought arose: What is this body but a vessel to take me out of rebirth? I could no longer stay in a job that was not allowing me to wholly give myself to practicing, serving and sharing the Dhamma, so I went to serve at the meditation centre.
During this time my friend sent me articles about bhikkhunī ordination and lists of monasteries. I was excited to find that as well as a bhikkhunī project in New Zealand, there were three bhikkhunī monasteries in Australia, so I went to Aus to serve the bhikkhunīs.
Matthew was continually supportive of my spiritual path. I knew that more renunciation was needed in order for me to progress on the Path, and the Buddha created the forms of both a bhikkhu and bhikkhunī for this purpose. Seeing my dedication, he realised I wanted to ordain and encouraged me, even though it would mean we’d have to separate.
There were no suitable openings for training in NZ and Ven Canda did not yet have a base, so in early 2023, I went to live at a local bhikkhu’s monastery. It was a confusing time: along with inspiration I experienced loneliness, isolation and discrimination – as a woman I was expected to be in the kitchen. In the chanting, bhikkhus were mentioned but not bhikkhunīs. I felt invisible. Two young European bhikkhus said it would be easier to be a 10-precept nun in Sri Lanka, or even, that I should practice well in this life and be reborn as a man in my next! (Um, no. I wasn’t planning to be reborn at all).Eventually, I had a chance to stay with Ven Adhimutti, a senior Bhikkhuni in NZ and take the anagarikaa precepts. Being around a good bhikkhuni felt safe and finally gave me an opportunity to engage with the Dhamma in uplifting ways. It also gave me a realistic sense of the challenges female renunciants face. Sadly though, it wasn’t working out for Ven Adhimutti to stay in NZ and so we headed to Sri Lanka – another uncertain situation…
I was in SL throughout much of the next year. Whilst I was there, Anukampa Grove opened and Ven Adhimutti encouraged me to make a visit in June 2024. I arrived exhausted, yet left with more joy in my heart than I could remember. When I later went back to Sri Lanka, alone, something was missing in my practice and I realised it was Sangha ~ that is why the Buddha said that spiritual friendship is the whole of the Path!
Everything was now pointing towards Anukampa Grove. I expressed my gratitude to Ven Adhimutti who gave me the opportunity to serve the Bhikkhuni Sangha and whose teachings and friendship enriched my life and in frosty January 2025, I arrived in England to a warm-hearted welcome. Ven. Candā’s foresight, compassion and hard work have created a loving and flourishing community that is now mature enough to support an aspiring bhikkhuni. More serendipitous still, Anukampa Bhikkhuni Project became registered as a visa sponsor just a month after I arrived, which meant that there was now an opening for an overseas trainee – me! I also wish to extend immense gratitude to all of you, Anukampa’s supporters, who have helped bring these incredibly rare conditions into being.
On March 16th, when I made my formal request to re-take my anagārikā precepts with Ven. Candā Therī as my teacher, it was different from the first time. This time, I was requesting to take the precepts with a view to going forth as a samanerī (novice nun in brown) – the platform to bhikkhuni ordination. After the small ceremony it felt as though I had really joined a family. I am so delighted; and what a treat that soon, on April 20th, I will have a fellow anagārikā with whom to continue this journey.